Completely Inappropriate Facebook Statuses

A compilation of fake (and real) statuses that would be completely inappropriate to announce on the fbook:

_______ is really gassy today. I knew I should have take beano!

_______ loves the cock.

_______ dislikes everyone else's statuses.

_______ has facebook stalked you before.

_______ is watching some awesome porn while facebook chatting!

_______ just cut his toenails. They were getting really long!

_______ is seven and a half inches. Booyah.

_______ is fleeing the scene of a crime!

_______ is actually Batman (only applies to Bruce Wayne's profile)

_______ HAS P.M.S. SO BAD!!!

_______ is giving a BJ right now.

_______ is still pregnant? Not for long...

_______ doesn't like being called clinically obese!!!

_______ is a bit confused about vaginas.

_______ hopes that all the people who weren't invited to my party don't find out about it!

_______ is DRUNKK and JSUT got in the CAR!!1 WHere are myt keys/? (fb mobile shoutout!)

_______ thinks my girlfriend is a BITCH!!!

_______ just slept with my ex because my BOYFRIEND CALLED ME A BITCH ONLINE!!!

_______ is considering a sex change.

_______ still can't believe that I won the scholarship! Thank you, copy and paste!

_______ is naked and eating donuts in bed.

_______ is at work but still totally high...

_______ has swine flu :'( 

_______ is bicurious...anyone up for some experimenting?

_______ just noticed the house is on fire!! Calling 911 on skype right now...

_______ is on fire!!!! OMG where are the firefighters? ouch!

_______ just died :( 

_______ is resting in peace.

Movie Review: Flightplan 2

When I first saw the posters for Flightplan 2, I said to myself, "How can Jodie Foster possibly improve upon her spellbinding performance in Flightplan Uno?" However, I knew I couldn't miss another Jodie Foster where-the-hell-is-my-child classic thriller. After all, no one else could possibly hold so much panic in two pupils. But how could one improve on such perfection? 

Flightplan 2 seems to draw inspiration from its co-stars, fresh off the plane from other movies. Cilian Murphy stars as a vampiric stalker who sits next to Jodie Foster's unsuspecting child on a late night plane trip. After surviving a panic room incident and sleeping soundly while surrounded by bombs on a plane, this little girl can survive anything. But she can handle snakes? A Japanese gangster played by some Asian guy releases a slither of snakes upon the passengers. Luckily, the passengers were ready this time and brought their snakebite-resistant breastguards and tamed mongeese. Samuel L. Jackson also makes a motherfuckin' cameo on this motherfuckin' movie as a renegade cop who knows absolutely nothing about snakes. 

My favorite scene was definitely at the climax when Jodie Foster stabbed a python in the throat with a pen and pulled her daugther out of his mouth. However, I was slightly disappointed by the end of the movie when (SPOILER ALERT!) Fat Albert crash lands the plane on a tropical island inhabited by polar bears. How random. Overall, I would give this movie one and a half thumb digits up. 

Weather Report

Today I was reading a page from God's planner which had leaked out on the internet via weather.com. I became disturbed as I casually browsed the predestined forecast:

75% chance of thunderstorms

25% chance of Biblical deluge

I knew I shouldn't have scoffed at Noah's summer sublease offer. FML

Dream Classifieds

HELP WANTED:

Professional Mario Gamer looking for assistant to complete underwater level of Super Mario Brothers. Must be able to dodge squids and fish while swimming towards green tube. This position comes with flexible hours, benefits include starting level as Fire Mario. Call 555-SWIM for more information.

Advertising Critic wanted for new TV commercial review position. Must be able to watch at least two hours of television per day. Critic expected to make sarcastic, snarky, or otherwise funny disparaging comments about every ad spot during television commercial breaks. Overtime paid for continuing to discuss commercials during regular programming. Previous advertisement criticism required: we are looking for applicants with at least 20 years of experience in verbal critique.

Awkward white people needed for research study. Must be pale, gangly, and labeled as a nerd or wannabe hipster. Side effects of this experiment may include an unintended increase in coolness, tanning of the skin, and loss of uncomfortable body hair. Participants will receive $50 and be granted entrance to uppity nightclubs upon completion of the study.

Gum wrapper?

I think that cigarette in my picture may actually be a gum wrapper. Shit, the whole blog is ruined.

This blog has absolutely no purpose other than the possible entertainment of myself and unexpected visitors. Don't get your hopes up.